Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings

Note from the hills #3: Mussoorie and Landour, Feb 22-24, 2018

A couple of years has passed since my last note from the hills. I have mostly lived in two Indian metropolises Delhi and Calcutta this entire time and haven’t seen any mountain range, which means there has been no pine tree, no fir, no winding road up the hill sky, no blue day sky, no clear starry night sky and no fresh unpolluted air for quite a long time. Not that I am complaining, I am dead serious about my job now and that kind of work can’t really be done from up in the mountains. But nature was a part of my everyday life when I was in Berkeley and I did miss nature a lot in the big Indian cities, which made me do this escape to the hills for a couple of days.

Right now I am sitting at the outdoors of a cafe high up on the mountains with  a cup of coffee and writing this note. The place is called Landour. My table faces the pine trees that have covered the entire slope of the mountain. The cookie that the server gave me on a plate with the coffee didn’t last long though. A monkey came and grabbed it, triggering a shock wave among the people chilling at the cafe including myself.

This place and these trees are particularly significant to me. An hour hike from the touristy hill station called Mussorie nestled high up on the edge of the Himalayas, this small but busy town called Landour is the place where one of my favorite authors, Ruskin Bond, lives and writes from. The trees I am facing right now are essentially the same ones that inspired a lot of his writings. These are the trees that constantly watch him as he sits at his desk next to the window of his house and writes. The sounds of whisper through the woods that he describes in his writings essentially originate from these trees. A large reason for me to choose Mussoorie of all the hill stations to take this much needed break from my work in Delhi was the temptation to visit Ruskin Bond’s town.

I got to Mussorie yesterday afternoon and spent the evening walking along the relatively quiet Camel’s Back Road and enjoying the view of the valley from there. This morning, after an arduous walk through a narrow but busy road uphill from Mussorie, I reached Landour. At once I was greeted by the portrait of Ruskin Bond painted on the walls. Other than Tagore’s paintings on walls all over Calcutta, I have never really seen an author’s portrait on the walls of an  Indian town or city. As I walked further up, I enquired the local people about the exact location of Mr. Bond’s house. In this process, I also met a fellow Ruskin Bond fan from Bombay, who is also visiting Landour for the same reason as me- to locate Mr. Bond’s house. Together we strolled around the neighborhood and eventually located his abode, next to a very colorfully painted Domo’s cafe.

The house looked exactly like he described in his books. The red staircase was there, the famous window was there, and also the corrugated tin roof. A dog was sleeping on the staircase. We stood in front of the house, across the road, for a long time and chatted, with the midday sun caressing us. We mostly talked about what were the chances of someone establishing oneself as a writer in today’s age. If either of us moved to the hills and started writing as good as Bond sahab, would we be able to sell our books too?  As the chat got more interesting and turned more into a debate, the dog woke up and in order to find a more sunny spot walked up to us. We had to make room for him to lie down as a result. Usually I am quite scared of dogs but this dog seemed overtly chill and friendly. It was Ruskin Bond’s stray-dog after all. My new friend suggested that the dog should be called Rusty.

After a while we decided to leave Rusty alone and walked further up to a place called Char Dukaan, which had a bunch of restaurants and cafes, one of them being Cafe Ivy, where we are sitting in right now. The cafe is particularly fancy with elegant furniture and lighting, and proper blues music being played on the audio system. If only the server made us alert of the monkey threat!

A lot has happened in the last couple of years, since my last visit to the hills, which was Shimla. Things really  went south after that- further loneliness at work,  confusion regarding what to do next in my career, that insane moment early morning one day when I got up from sleep, looked at the walls around me of my almost empty bedroom in my new house and didn’t even know who I was for a good few seconds. All my pursuit of truth through the science lessons in Berkeley, the intense relationships with Diggy and Polo, the experimentation with spirituality, the loneliness in Delhi- had finally turned successful. I didn’t realize it right away at that moment but later as I pulled myself through all the toll that that experience itself and everything that preceded it for the last few years on my mind, I realized it.

I had essentially solved the “hard problem of consciousness”- at least to my own satisfaction. The problem, as framed by academician David Chalmers. I refuse to use the word “philosopher” for researchers sitting in Philosophy departments of universities writing essays on philosophy for a living and calling themselves philosophers. To me, all human beings who think about the world around and reflect on their lives are philosophers. Why should only researchers in Philosophy departments get the privilege to call themselves so!  In any case, David Chalmers  essentially tries to explore the subjective nature of reality by calling it the “hard problem of consciousness”. The reality as we perceive it through our minds always has a subjective aspect to it. The problem lies in explaining what it actually is.

That morning when I woke up from my sleep I had no understanding of who I was for a good few seconds. It was just a body lying on the bed- and I was just looking at it. No, I wasn’t under the influence of any psychedelic. Just by living in a new city for months where I couldn’t connect with anyone personally, by simply talking about only science and mathematics with colleagues at work and by never really doing anything simple and fun like reading fun story books or watching some dumb show on cable TV as opposed to reading existential philosophy, I had started getting detached from all my memories of living like a normal human being. There is something eerie about workplaces- people never connect with each other personally and emotionally, they are always throwing facts at each other and talking of stuff in a strange impersonal way such that you get to know nothing about them even if you meet them at workplace for months, as if there is nothing to life other than facts and logic and deliverables. All that got into me- I forgot to laugh, forgot to smile, forgot to feel, as insane as that sounds.

And all that led to a strange detachment from memories of my past- memories of childhood, high school, Berkeley, Polo, Diggy, parents. There is a subtle difference between forgetting things and being detached from things- I still remembered all these things and people, it’s just that I forgot the feelings associated with my experience of these things and people, which led to this sense of detachment. And that resulted in dreams vanishing from my sleep slowly- the science and mathematics you discuss at work don’t make your dreams, what makes your dreams is the feeling and emotion you attach to them when you discuss them at work with other fellows- you voicing your aspiration to be a top researcher or a heated debate with your colleague about how a certain thing works- that’s what dreams are made of along with other things like good and bad memories you make during the day,  the longings you have for your loved ones- practically all sorts of emotions. Since all emotions were going out of me living in this strange work environment in this new place, my dreams were vanishing too until that morning when I woke up from my sleep with a completely blank mind.

Careful reflection on that moment probably explains the subjective nature of experience, and hence the hard problem of consciousness. At any given moment in time, our experience of the world has two components to it- the external world that is sending signals to our brain through different stimuli perceived by our sense and motor organs, and the memory of our past moments that is embedded in our brain. The subjective nature of reality that we perceive or rather subjective nature of our experience is essentially a calibration between the incoming signal from the external world and some pre-existing signal/ memory already embedded in our brain. Without this calibration, we can perceive the external world as it is as I did that morning when I woke up- I just saw the walls, the bed, my body the way they were without relating them with anything  I had pre-conceived about them. Finally after all these years I was probably able to “live”in the moment”.

But then given that I experienced a moment just the way it was, why couldn’t I just live like that? What was so scary about it? The reason for the scare was the fear of death- somehow death reveals its scary face in a such a moment, as I had also felt in the past during my entire spiritual pursuit. It actually makes sense now that I think about it – what really makes us continue our lives is this will to do something, to achieve something, to realize our own potential. If we experience the world around just the way it is independent of us and you even look at our own bodies that way, and we don not have any sort of attachment to the past or aspiration for the future, we may just do anything to ourselves at that point. What stops us then from jumping off a building or coming in the way of a car and getting ourselves run over. I earlier used to think lonely people commit suicide out of sadness, out of the desire to terminate some kind of pain, but now I realize it’s not necessarily so. People can commit suicide simply because they experience moments when they have lost all attachment to their memories and aspirations, and they just get obsessed with some idea that can hurt them, but they don’t care and they simply just do it.

Moments like that were happening to me very frequently around that time, and after that morning, they started happening even more. Suddenly I would see a small object like cap of a bottle and would want to swallow it and choke myself. As I would walk on the pavement of the road, I would see a car coming in front of me at high speed and I would feel like jumping in front of it. It was a strange gripping obsession, where I wanted to do such a thing not because I was pained by my existence and wanted to terminate it, but rather I simply just wanted to do such a thing and see what it felt like.

The mind was an absolute void other than that thought- no memory of the past, no aspiration, nothing!!!

I realized I had to pull myself out of it- otherwise I would kill myself. I told myself – this was enough, I wouldn’t think about anything “existential” or “philosophical” from then on, I would just do light stuff and not think about anything deep until I pull myself out of this situation! And the people who you would largely depend on to pull yourself from such a situation were your parents- too people who would always be there for you at any cost. I decided to go to Calcutta for an indefinite period and stay with parents until I got well. If that meant losing my job, so be it! I am a smart guy with the best qualifications in the world, I will be able to find another decent job for sure!

So within a couple of days from that morning, I took a flight from Delhi to Calcutta. I still remember when the plane landed at the Calcutta airport and we got down from the plane to walk into the airport bus that would take us from the run-way to the airport, I touched the ground with the tip of my fingers and then kissed my fingers. I needed to get back the calibration in my mind I had lost- I needed to feel grounded again- and what better way to feel that than reconnecting with the city I spent in my childhood in, where my parents lived and where I had some of the best memories of my life.

To be continued. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings

Note from the hills #2 : Shimla, Jan 26-29, 2017

I am writing this note sitting at a cafe in Mall- Shimla’s center-place. It’s a nice and sunny morning out here with a lot of tourists crowding the place. The main hub of all these Indian hillstations is called Mall; Darjeeling’s hub, from where parts of the previous note was written, had the same name. Right around the time of writing that note I thought of writing the next letter from Shimla because I was moving to North India after a month and I couldn’t come up with a better place to follow up on the letter from Darjeeling other than Shimla. It’s funny how I  construct a narrative of what is going on in my life in the plains for a period of a month and then take a train or a bus or a shared taxi to reach the mountains and simply write it all out. 

I know that these crowded neighborhoods up in the mountains, thronged by tourists, probably do not compare with the idea of mountains for an adventurous free spirit living in California. For that person, mountains probably mean traveling to some desolate spots, doing some crazy hikes and camping in the wilderness in the lap of the Sierras or the Rockies. But I find some unique charm in visiting these Indian hill stations from the colonial era nestled on the edge of the mountains. If a city like Berkeley, with all its houses, clubs, schools, hospitals and people, is located right next to Lake Tahoe, it may probably look like these hill stations. Thanks to the Britishers they were built and thanks to India’s heavy population they are thriving. 

Both Shimla and Darjeeling and probably other hill stations in India have a common layout. The bus stand and the railway stations are located lower down the hills. After reaching there on a bus or train from the plains, one has to climb up a lot of stairs or walk up really steep roads, with houses and markets built on the slope of the hill on both sides. Some hotels are constructed in a very interesting fashion. The reception is probably on the fourth floor of the hotel and the rooms are on the first three floors. This is because the hotel opens up to the road on the top floor and lower floors are all constructed by ripping up the hills. For example, a hotel walked in to last night looking for a room, has most of its rooms in the basement. As a result those rooms are devoid of windows. 

I guess there are similar hotels in Darjeeling as well- the two places resemble each other a lot  in their colonial heritage – beautiful churches, majestic government office buildings, toy trains, fancy restaurants and cafes. Though I missed the toy train experience in Darjeeling I got here by toy train, which was much more of a regular train than a toy train. It was a six hour journey from Kalka to Shimla. I was in a crowded noisy general class unreserved compartment with local families and college kids as opposed to the calmer reserved boggies with urban tourists from the plains, covered up in sweaters and blankets. I met a nice family with a one year old kid who lives in Kanderghat- half way between Kalka and Shimla, an elderly gentleman who grew up in Shimla but now lives in Bombay, and a guy from Indore who works in some management company. That guy befriended me right away, bought food for me a couple of times and was clinging to me even when we got to Shimla. Probably he wanted to share the hotel room that night with me and do a  touristy conducted bus or car tour of Shimla and Kufri the next day with me in order to save money. I love talking to people, but the moment they start sticking to me and trying to push me into something I want to get rid of them. I got rid of this guy too last night using a little diplomacy. This is a thing I am noticing about India. I never lived in India as an adult before and so I never noticed this. In US strangers talk to each other and exchange ideas because the ideas interest them. In India, strangers only seem to talk to me when they have some kind of interest, mostly monetary. This saddens me a bit. 

Though the colonial aspects of Shimla and Darjeeling are similar, from this morning’s experience, I feel Shimla has far less number of passages to the 9 – 3/4 th platform compared to Darjeeling. Those crazy Buddhist monasteries and the Lama culture are missing here. As opposed to that there is a lot more mainstream Indianness  here which isn’t really a bad thing. Indian flag flies high in the mall. Statues of former political leaders of India and  Indian commando base in the vicinity are quite in contrast to the Gorkha dominated Darjeeling trying to separate itself from West Bengal and getting its own state called Gorkhaland. 

Monkeys are playing around me in the cafe while I write this. Hopefully they don’t admire coffee and have their eyes on the coffee pot and cup on the table. Earlier today at the Mall a really funny thing happened connected to monkeys. A couple was sitting on one of the park benches. The guy was holding an ice cream cone in his hand, but was engrossed in talking to the girl. Suddenly a monkey sat next to him, snatched the ice cream cone from his hand holding it just like a human being will hold it and ran away. Being close to humans, these hill station monkeys have probably evolved more than their counterparts in the woods!

I think the feeling of ultimate bliss that I experienced in Berkeley lasted in all its perfection till I wrote the last note in Darjeeling. As I understand it, the cause of the bliss was largely the romantic feelings followed by the spiritual exercises with the beloved. Usually a romance this deep ends in the two people being together for a large chunk of their lives, but thanks to the symmetry breaking, for me it ended up in the realization that a conventional union isn’t possible in this case. But instead of being heart broken about this I decided to seek some kind of spiritual union with the best friend and the beloved, which got me into all the spiritual exercises. All that led to an out of the world feeling- a feeling of ultimate bliss- that lasted for months. The best word I can think of to describe those months in Berkeley is “cornucopia” . 

But over the last month, since the trip to Darjeeling, as I spent a week in Calcutta trying to fit in to my home, or rather my parents’ home in Calcutta, the feeling of “cornucopia” seemed to slowly go away.  It’s interesting, I had visited my parents’ one year back around this time and felt perfectly at home, but this time I felt so out of place. So much happened to me or rather my mind between the last time in India and this- my mind went so far away, in some beautiful alien land, through all the meditations and the chants and the bhakti songs and of course the romance. And it just stayed there for months while I was staring at the starry night sky of Berkeley with the best friend, hugging the trees and singing Tagore songs addressed to the divine and hanging out with all the hippies, that live on vans in our college toen and make their livelihood cutting weed higher up in the hills. And after all that, fitting into an elderly domestic Bengali scene with all its mundane conversations about the daily produce at the market, the taste of the food cooked in the kitchen and all those melodramatic Bengali mega serials that go on cable TV became so difficult. 

That week with my family was followed by three weeks in Delhi, in a new city, in a new job, where I lived all by myself and knew no one around.  The uneventful days of work, where I could befriend no one, were followed by lonely nights  in the apartment. In the shivering cold, I would wrap myself up in a shawl, turn off all the lights in the room, play some spiritual song on my cell phone and try to focus on the thought of the divine. But as more days passed the divine seemed to be leaving me. I think the lover, the beloved and the divine form a golden triangle, where when there is a separation between the lover and the beloved as has happened in this case – a physical separation of ten, thousand miles- the whole triangle collapses. As a result the connection between the lover and the divine starts getting lost and the feeling of “cornucopia” slowly starts deserting the lover. 

But I don’t think the feeling has left me altogether. As I sip the coffee here at this table I look at the Mall, flocked with tourists- couples in warm clothes taking selfies and kids on backs of mules. I turn around and look down the valley, dotted with pine trees reminiscent of Berkeley and multi-storeyed concrete houses not reminiscent of Berkeley. The sun shines on my sweater and scarf and me in all its strength and I still feel pretty blissful, like I felt in Darjeeling. The perfection of the moment is probably in the healthiness of that moment, and in looking back at the past with fondness and without regret and looking forward to the future with hope and without worry, rather than just focussing on the moment which a lot of spirituality lessons emphasise upon. As long as the circumstances around me are such that they trigger this feeling I guess everything is fine. But then the entire idea of spirituality, as I understand is, is probably to retain this feeling independent of circumstances, which will be complete nirvana. In that quest I have been living in the solitude of my apartment in Delhi, devoid of everything I cared about but food, clothes and a roof on the top of me at night. But I need to be careful about this. Indulging in this solitude too much can lead to an eerie feeling of loneliness and depression. Thanks to this trip up the hill, I have avoided this trajectory for now but once I go back to the plains and get back to the same routine as the last few weeks and don’t get any friend there,  depression is inevitable. Question is how long can I avoid it!

Earlier in the morning I took a walk along the famous Shimla Walkway that goes from the Mall to Vice Regal lodge as the green signboard says on the roadside. During the walk, on the right side of the road I spotted a guy displaying books written by a famous Indian monk and a climb of stairs went down the slope next to him, leading to something that looked like an ashram. I walked down the stairs, lined by pine trees on either side. These tall pine trees became such a big part of my life in Berkeley. But since I got back to India I have only seen them twice- first in Darjeeling and now in Shimla. Something I noticed in Darjeeling and here too is that a direct access to the trees that has been denied to the people using fences. In Berkeley those trees were growing on a relatively flat land while here they are growing on really steep slopes next to public walkways. So the fences must be erected for the safety of the people, and this has created this barrier between the people and the trees. 

But I really wanted to hug a tree. So I crossed the fence and walked down the fairly steep slope very cautiously. After a little struggle I managed to walk all the way to a pine tree and surrendered myself to the benevolence of the tree, letting it absorb the fear within me from the climb. Perhaps this barrier between the pines and the humans in Indian hill stations is symbolic of all the barriers I am encountering here in India between me and happiness. After living six years in US it is so hard to get used to this. People don’t know how to enjoy their lives here, they are mostly living with their families, confined to their houses and repeating the same routine every day. For example, as I walk along a busy road in Delhi, there is no live musician on the pavement playing some cool riff on the guitar or blowing into the saxophone to elicit a soulful melody- something that was so common in Berkeley or San Francisco. The popular perception about India in the bay area seemed to have been that it is the land of spirituality and deep philosophy. Since I never lived in India as an adult, I probably kind of bought into it. But now it seems India is totally the opposite- at least the cities on the plains and even these crowded townships on the mountains. Most of the philosophical and metaphysical things which dominated our conversations in Berkeley are barely mentioned in conversations here. Most interesting topics are censored. Instead people just talk about monetary stuff and household stuff- whether that’s the people in my immediate and extended family in Calcutta and north Bengal or the people I meet at work in Delhi. It is really getting suffocating and I am dreading going back to the plains to join work a bit now, but I don’t really have anywhere else to go. 

I feel like I have gotten myself into a corner here. But I do not blame anyone for this. As surprising as this sounds, I have a vision about my future in which this country has to play a big role. I can’t state it clearly now because the vision isn’t clear to me either, but it’s slowly building. By the time I left Berkeley I only had two things left in my life- I did not want to die and I loved my beloved very very dearly. It was a really beautiful feeling but it was too out of the world. It wasn’t materialising into anything in the real world and hence it had to end. As I go to sleep every night now, I feel like there is a lot dying inside me, but a very small thing is also growing inside. And hence I need to go back to the plains now to give shape to that vision through my work there. 

Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings · Philosophy

Why not trip over death or try kill oneself

Over last Fall and Spring, I had scribbled down on my notebook several reasons why one should not obsess over the idea of death, or worse, actually try out some self destructive physical act as a result of the obsession. I wrote them down as and when these reasons occurred to me. An important thing I wanted to clarify here is that these reasons are mainly applicable to people who contemplate suicide mainly out of an obsession with the idea of death and what happens to someone after death, and not to people who contemplate suicide to terminate the mental pain or escape from the difficult situation they are in. The latter is considered to be the main reason for suicide- a person is in immense emotional pain all the time and cannot take it any more, so they kill themselves. But as experience has taught me, one can have self destructive thoughts simply out of isolation or too much pondering over philosophical issues. They can get so immersed in their own mental/ abstract world that they keep questioning whether the physical world they live in and share with others is real or whether it is simply an illusion. After that at some point, they start toying with the idea of death too much because to them death, being quite absolute in nature, opens up the possibility of experiencing some kind of absolute reality.

Here I have listed some arguments I have come up with over time which one can use to avoid having such weird “trip”-s about death and thereby getting into a self destructive spiral.

  1. Death is inevitable. It will happen to everyone. Obsession about something makes sense if the probability of that thing happening is pretty low, e.g. publishing a research paper in a high Impact Factor journal, writing a best seller novel, winning the Nobel Prize, leading Indian cricket team to a victory at the World Cup, etc. Based on past record death is an absolute certainty, so why obsess over something that will happen anyway?
  2. All these philosophies, poetry, music etc. hint at the existence of a beautiful ideal world beyond this physical world, but there is really no guarantee that such a world exists. Also if it exists, with death it will appear anyway and death will happen eventually. So why rush it? Death is irreversible, so don’t toy with it. Let it happen in its due course. 
  3. This world with mountains, rivers, cities, friends and family is pretty intricate, intriguing and awesome. Even if the whole thing is a simulation, as it often appears with isolation and too much “deep thinking”, let it be a simulation. We have always been in this simulation but probably never noticed it before because it is a wonderfully intricately designed one anyway. For example, when we were having fun in high school or college, when did we ever think that the world around us could be a self consistent simulation?  It’s only recently as we have experienced the life more and more and patterns have started to repeat that we have started bringing up these questions. It doesn’t really matter if the world around is a simulation or real because as long as everything is consistent, which has always been the case minus some fringe elements, our experience of the world remains the same either way. Also, eve if it’s all a simulation, what is the reason to want to end the simulation abruptly through death? That thought didn’t occur so far even though we had always been inside the simulation.
  4. Love holds the world together. This world may be a simulation but our near and dear ones really love us and they will be devastated if something happens to us. So never never contemplate death. Explore all your passions and stay obsessed with them. Stay distracted!
  5. The fundamental purpose of existence is to eat and reproduce. That’s how evolution works . The spiritual framework rejects this idea and tries to find a higher purpose for existence. So in that sense a spiritual journey is anti-evolutionary. Probably that’s why it’s extremely demanding to go on the spiritual path. So better not to take it too seriously and get guided by evolution and chill out!
  6. Spending too much time insolation and questioning what is the purpose of life doesn’t make much sense because we didn’t start from such an ideal situation in the first place. We spent first twenty years of our lives with family and friends and never asked ourselves what was the purpose of life. But then when we started living by ourselves and experienced more solitude, this question started arising in our minds. Since we got entangled in a non ideal world to begin with why ask idealist questions now!! Just continue with the non idealities, spend life the way you spent your initial years. Stay connected to the “real world” one way or the other.
  7. Isolation and loneliness lets the subjective aspect of our consciousness, as described by philosopher David Chalmers while formulating the “hard problem of consciousness”, grow and hence outsude world feels like simulation because of too much mental activity inside and too little physical activity outside. Don’t spend too much time alone!
  8. Don’t even try to act like you are doing things close to what can hurt you. Brain is a pattern forming machine. It has somehow related those things that gave you “death trips” with death and your OCD further makes you want do these things or act like doing them. Don’t respond to it at all.
  9. There is no absolute reality at least the living cannot experience it. A subjective feeling of consciousness always pervades our perception of reality, which is a calibration  of current signal to some previous signal already existing in the brain as memory. May be at the moment of our death we will perceive absolute reality, but we may not as well. Anyway death is an eventuality, so at that moment of dying the idea can  be tested anyway. No need to rush it.
    Also probably if someone loses all memory whatsoever or feels a sense of detachment from all memory, the latter can happen out of isolation and prolonged lack of interest in worldly things, they can perceive something very close to absolute reality but the experience is much more scary than fun. There is perhaps no need to revisit it again. Instead of trying to detach oneself from memories and try to live “in the moment” without relating the present with your past and future, it is a much better idea according to me to make new memories and experience the world around in the light of those memories. Your memories are what you are, they are your identity. This idea that memory is painful and one should get rid of their ego by transcending these memories and experience life only by living in the present is often preached in the spirituality domain of human knowledge. However from personal experience this idea, though can be an immense source of bliss in the initial days, eventually alienates one from their surroundings, makes them very lonely inside and leads to existential crisis. In the name of losing your ego you may lose your identity, don’t do that!
  10. If we study human evolution in this planet, we will observe that forming groups has made man survive and eventually outclass all other animals. Forming group has been our biggest strength. Thus evolution has made man a social animal. We need each others’ support to live. There may be outliers to this but majority want to live in society with company and not feel alone. So many things are missing when alone like love and humor, which are essential to our existence. So we must live together, not alone. Even human consciousness is collective end of the day. The language in which we think, the manner in which we talk, our hand gestures are all products of our upbringing in the society. Living alone suddenly makes you question all those things about yourself which you had taken for granted so long because the collective nature of your consciousness starts disappearing slowly. Is it an experience really worth having?
  11. Assuming the realist/ materialist view point of life is correct, this world exists the way it is whether we live or die. But again this world is us in the end. Our job is to live this world and people there in and learn as much and make memories and then impact the world so that we live in this world through our memories after we die. death is gonna happen anyway . Question is what do we do to impact this world before we die.
  12.  As long as train of thoughts leads you from one idea to another without raising any question mark / existential crisis / suicidal thought you are fine. Just keep loving this world. Another thing that one needs to be careful about is obsessive thought in general. Even if it’s not about death, even if it’s about something else, always thinking about it means you are indulging in it too much. Indulging in something is fine, if you don’t indulge in the world then you start feeling detached from everything and all the death trip starts as explained previously, but if you indulge in something too much that can lead to a lot of pain later and then again to avoid the pain you will get into the detachment path and the cycle will repeat. Best way to proceed is probably to balance it all out, indulge but don’t indulge too much, be practical and yet be spiritual, be spiritual and yet be practical!
  13. According to the concept of arrow of time, time moves only in the forward direction. However an interesting thing I realised in that context is that though in the physical world things can get created or destroyed, in the mental world things only get created. Any thought that has occurred to a man lives on through the memories of the man in the others’ minds, the books he / she writes or the work he/ she does. Sometimes memories go latent but they are always there. As Rabindranath Tagore wrote in the poem “Hothat Dekha” (A sudden meeting) – Raater sob tara thake diner aalor gobhire (All stars of the night stay hidden in the depth of the sunlight during the day). Right circumstances bring back the latent memories. Hence always stay in touch with the world and through that stay in touch with your memories. Love the world and its people, and contribute more to this world through your work. This way you add more to the world. Things only accumulate in mental world, nothing gets destroyed. Keep adding stuff.

Most importantly try to adopt a middle ground whenever there are  contradictory ideas, don’t take any idea to the extreme and do chill out!

Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings · Philosophy

Life as a neural engineering problem: Nov 30, 2016

(This essay was composed at the conclusion of my six and a half years of stay in Berkeley, California, where I was pursuing my doctoral degree. In this essay I tried to write down the guiding principles that can be used to explain the events that happened in my personal life in Berkeley and make inferences about life in general.)

I am trying to describe the world we live in. In order to do that, I first make a very important distinction- distinction between the physical world and the mental world. Of course they are connected but we can still separate the two. What is the basis of the separation?

From an experiential point of view it does not matter to us directly why things happen a certain way in the physical world, but why things happen a certain way in the mental world matters to us. “Us” is very important here because we, humans, are coming up with all these ideas. From an impersonal/ scientific point of view, activity of individual neurons and its collective behavior separates the mental world from physical world.

Relevant questions in the physical world- What is the origin of the universe? What is matter? How does matter behave at different length scales? How do different materials interact with each other? Answers to these questions don’t affect our well being. So we can look for truth with respect to these questions without caring about our happiness.

But answers to questions that involve the mental world affect our happiness. For example, what is the origin of life? Does mind emerge from matter? Is there a higher power? Does that power control our lives? While answering these questions we are biased towards finding answers that make us happy. Human beings are the truth seekers and the truth which is sought after cannot be separated from the happiness of the seeker. All the arguments that I provide here follow from mere acceptance of this fact. We have to accept this fact based on our experience, which is empirical evidence.

If we accept this then truth, with respect to the mental world, largely consists of what we need to know to make us happy. Now because we have to sustain ourselves we don’t want to be happy over a short term- we want long, term happiness. Hence my guess is that the ultimate truth is something the knowledge of what gives us happiness over an infinite stretch of time. This state of eternal happiness is often described as nirvana or mokhsha in ancient Indian scriptures.

Thus I have reduced ultimate truth to what makes us eternally happy. Now let us look at what happiness is. The world “happiness” does not mean anything unless we can clearly associate a mental state, or neural activity inside our brain, with it. This brings us to a little bit of discussion of human anatomy. I will do this at a very functional level.

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The schematic above shows how a single individual interacts with the world around them and what they feel internally. Thus the mental world of others reduces to physical world for that individual because no way they can directly interact with the neural activity inside other person’s head, they can only get clues from the physical world about what goes on in other people’s mental world. The individual interacts with the physical world through their senses which are eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin and genitals. Their mind sends signals to the physical world through the senses and receives the signal from the senses. However, the final thing that the mind receives is simply not just the signal from the physical world coming from the senses. That signal is conditioned by hormones secreted by the body and also conditioned by memories, which are past associations in the brain about previous signals that have come to the mind, and then the mind receives it. This final signal can create two states in the mind, one is happiness and the other is sadness. They are both essentially neural responses to the signal. Now as individuals we want to keep getting the “happiness” signal and not get the “sadness” signal. This paper claims that this is the ultimate truth. Rest of the paper is about how to the neural response called “happiness” can be continuously generated in the mind for time stretched to infinity or in other words how we can be eternally happy.

The easiest way is to keep interacting with the world through our senses in a way that we keep getting the signal that makes us happy. But this method stops acting beyond a point for two reasons:
1. The physical world around us changes. The signal that we are receiving that makes us happy can abruptly end some day. Say, I like a particular kind of food from a restaurant. The restaurant may shut down. (sense involved- tongue). I like physical intimacy with a certain girl (All senses are involved and hormones condition the signals the senses receive). But the girl may choose to get out of my life. Thus in these cases the neural response of happiness decays making us sad, which we don’t want.
2. If a certain signal makes us happy and we are continuously receiving it, it is gradually getting conditioned by the associations formed in our brain (memories) in such a way that eventually the signal stops generating the neural response of happiness. We have all experienced that doing the same act over and over again spoils the fun associated with it at some point.

So what is the solution to this? We have to find ways to be happy with reduced dependence on the senses and finally have zero dependence on the senses. That is the ultimate bliss state. Even if we don’t get all the way, we can get to a state where we are happy over a long period of time if not infinite, and even that is getting closer to the ultimate truth by our definition.

So how to get there? There are broadly three paths laid out in the ancient Indian scriptures. All these paths reduce our dependence on the senses to be happy and hence are effective to take us to the bliss state.

1. Karma Yoga- Karma means work. We need to work to make a living. In addition, if we take our work seriously and are able to contribute to society, seeing other people enjoy the benefits of our own work makes us happy. This happiness depends on more than enjoyment of the senses. The cause of the happiness is contribution of our work to society, which realistically cannot go away as fast as some source of pleasure of the senses can.

2. Bhakti Yoga- Bhakti means devotion, a special kind of love. The word “love” is thrown around everywhere in the English language and thus activities which are physically very different and are done with very different purposes are all termed “love”. \textit{Bhakti} is the kind of love, which makes us less dependent on the senses and takes us to the bliss state.
Usually we love people with the expectation of rewards. The rewards are satisfaction of the senses, sometimes in a direct way like lust in the case of romantic love, or indirect way like financial support also in the case of romantic love or love between parents and children. If the reward keeps coming we love more and we feel more happy, but if the reward stops coming we end up being sad.
But if we can love without caring for the reward then we will be happy perpetually. The concept of divinity in the Bhakti tradition of India comes as an extension of this concept. We love the people around us for various reasons. Once we see the effectiveness of loving without caring for rewards then we can create an image inside our head. We love that image unconditionally. That image is divinity.

3. Gyana Yoga- Gyana means knowledge. Gaining knowledge can make us eternally happy because we learn what our senses are, how we interact with the world through them and how they control our happiness. So extending that knowledge we learn how to not let the senses control our happiness, which is the point of this paper. Hence this paper itself is a lesson in Gyana Yoga.
Meditation is an important part of Gyana Yoga. In meditation we observe our senses, our body processes, our thoughts and we often let our mind generate the neural response of happiness based on very simple elementary signals from the senses, like some hymn, some melody or even the sound “Om”. Thus we are learning to be happy with reduced dependence on the senses. We also learn that thoughts can give us a lot of pain. Thoughts are essentially signals received from the senses or lack of signals received from the senses, conditioned by our mental associations or memories (Schematic 1). In daily existence an individual thinks that they are their thoughts but through meditation one can get to a thoughtless state and see their existence beyond the thoughts, which is often termed the “self”. By doing meditation one can thus learn how to be happy by going beyond the senses and becoming the “self”. By repeating it on a daily basis, one can thus achieve eternal bliss or Mokhsa or Nirvana.

Thus in this essay I have argued that pursuit of eternal happiness largely constitutes truth, as far as the mental world is concerned. Then I have stated methods to achieve eternal happiness and argued why they would be effective. Essentially, this whole practice described here, which may be called spirituality, is engineering our neurons in the body such that the neural response of happiness is generated perpetually irrespective of external circumstances. Since our knowledge of the anatomy and functioning of the body, and particularly the brain, is very limited, we carry out this engineering empirically. Life experiences are the experimental data here. This neural engineering to achieve a perpetual state of happiness is the very essence of life. The method to attain that state will just evolve over time as we experience more and more in life.

(Endnote: Between the time of this composition and the time of uploading it here, my understanding of this subject has evolved a little bit. I feel that my observations here are too much centered around the happiness of an individual, often in exclusion of one’s family and friends. Over the last several months, my preference has slowly shifted towards collective happiness of the society we live in because I have started believing that an individual’s happiness largely depends on keeping everyone around happy, which is the subject of some of my other posts.) 

 

 

Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings · Philosophy

Solitude,collective wisdom, world of thoughts, fear of death, the divine female and many-body interactions: July 7, 2017

(Written after about spending eight months by myself at my new workplace in an altogether new city, where I knew no one when I moved in)

Writing this essay after a solitary dinner at guest house on a Friday evening and a walk back to the house with a minor trip while crossing the road, lights of car coming towards me in the dark, I am standing on the pavement with mind flooded with thoughts, I didn’t cross the road,just standing on the pavement, I would focus on the road before I cross, but what if I forgot to do so and just step in front of the car? Fear of death lol.

This fear of death is most prominent when I am by myself and I am unmindful. The deeper the thought in the head, the stronger is the fear of death on the awareness of the existence of a potential cause of death in the vicinity. The potential cause of death that I can envision can largely be categorized into three types:

i. fear of heights: The staircases in the buildings in IIT barely have any rails and they go all the way up to the 7th floor. You slip off the side and you fall through a few floors- spot dead. Such lack of safety can be barely thought of in the US, but hell, this is India!

ii. fear of cars: I have crossed a main road in Delhi not more than three of four times since I got here. I mostly walk inside campus, where the traffic is much less but I still don’t completely trust these cars.

iii. fear of small objects: The craziest fear, small objects are everywhere, what if I swallow something! I have gotten rid of small objects as much as possible in the house and the office but one cannot avoid them completely altogether, this gives me the most frequent death trips of the three.

Apart from these there are minor fears like fear of dogs, fear of a sharp object like the tip of the pen hitting the eye, fear of knives etc.

But these are the details of the fears, but philosophically what I have learned from the fears is as follows:

i. Solitude definitely intensifies these fears and there is a good reason for it. Most things we do in our lives  One weekend a while ago, it was crazy hot outside, and I spent the entire weekend by myself in the house and then Sunday late at night as I felt very sleepy and I was taking off the ring before going to sleep, I thought why not try swallow the ring and see what happens, and then I stopped myself from doing so and felt so scared. And then finally it dawned upon me- why is being alone scary, even if you have tons of work and hobbies and you thoroughly enjoy them and your are happy being alone it still gets scary. That’s because in our daily life we do a lot of things and do not do a lot of things simply based on collective wisdom. My own consciousness is actually a collective consciousness that I have developed through interaction with society. For example, why don’t I put small objects in my mouth and swallow them? Have I done it before and seen what happens? No, I have learned from others like my parents when I was a kid that it is dangerous thing to do and so I do not do it, and later I have reconciled that knowledge with science. Now if humans start disappearing from my life, that collective wisdom slowly goes away and the chances of doing things that can threaten my life go up and hence death trips go up.

ii. Thoughts have the world of their own, and that world is connected with the physical world we live in. Plato has this theory of forms- all virtues have some kinda real forms in an ideal world, and our present world is a shadow of that or something. Kinda sounds similar to our reciprocal space idea right? Somebody may dismiss this whole thing saying that essentially neurons in this physical world are firing in some weird sequences giving you this kinda impression, but the thing is there is a remarkable amount of consistency in the way my neurons fire, your neurons fire and Plato’s neurons fired which makes me more and more convinced of an actual existence of this world of thoughts. I am trying to get into more math of late, as I am teaching this magnetism course and often tapping into this other world. I guess my physical space is very limited now, this less than one mile of campus is my entire physical world, and my thoughts are running wild all over the place- magnetism, quantum mechanics, statistical mechanics, neural networks, Socratic dialogues, current affairs published in The Hindu, etc. And my mind is moving freely through all these domains totally becoming what it is looking into, and then suddenly there is an interaction with the physical world where the mind identifies a potential cause of death, and the death strip starts, like tonight, the bright yellow lights of the car in the dark racing down…..

Spent four days and four nights straight with the divine female, beautiful body, amazing form, but it feels so forced and repetitive if I am not fascinated by the mind behind the body.

It just helps with two things : satisfies lust, and reduces the fear of death by eliminating solitude and keeping me connected to the physical world instead of letting me float in the world of thoughts. And with age, these two things will get worse and worse. But is a commitment to spend my entire life with one person worth it only because of these two things? I am not sure.

Last thing, these days I am taking interest in current affairs, cricket and even old black and white Bollywood movies- things I hardly took interest in during grad school. Moving from Bhakti and Gyana Yogas and Philosophy of the Mind to politics, economics, history or even social affairs like bollywood is similar to a high energy physicist moving to the study of condensed matter physics or many body interactions. As far as I understand, the goal of high energy physics is to understand the interactions between particles at the most fundamental level. On the other hand, in condensed matter physics, they assume that particles interact in a particular way without going deeper into why they interact that way and instead try to find out how such interactions lead to new phenomena when the number of particles and hence complexity of the system goes up. Similarly, instead of just exploring more and more about the nature of the individual self through the study of more eastern and western philosophy, I am trying to assume that the self is whatever my current understanding is of it now and then see how the different self-s interact with each other in a complicated system like politics, economics, justice, world of movies, etc. Just like many body physics, beautiful new phenomena emerge here too at different levels of complexity. And also just like condensed matter physics is more useful to the society than high energy physics in terms of practical applications, study of politics or justice or economics is more useful to the society than philosophy of the mind. As a result, I am currently finding the dumb hippies of my Berkeley gang, obsessed with the self, completely obnoxious and the smart hippies of my Berkeley gang, obsessed with the self, borderline obnoxious.

(Endnote: Between the time of writing this essay and the time of uploading it here, the necessity of marriage to avoid all the paranoia connected to solitude has become more and more obvious to me. Also planning to write something soon here on the Socratic dialogues by Plato, maybe emphasizing on Plato’s theory of forms.)

Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings

Note from the hills #1 : Darjeeling, Dec 17-18, 2016

(First composition on return to India after spending 6.5 years in Berkeley, CA)

Hotel room (11 PM, 17th Dec, 2016)

First night all by myself since I left Berkeley. Spent ten days at home in Calcutta. Then took the train to North Bengal by myself while parents stayed over in Calcutta. Been visiting uncles and aunts in North bengal and sleeping at their places so far, got an aunt in Siliguri and one in Jalpaiguri, mom’s sisters, they are my second and third moms basically, met grandparents in uncle’s place,  they are pretty much locked up in a room on the fourth floor of an apartment complex, can’t go anywhere, they sit and watch Bengali serials and cricket on TV and read spiritual books, granddad chants God’s name for an hour everyday with the rudraksh, he had been told that meditation worked in Dwapar Yuga but in Kali Yuga only chanting God’s name works.

Came to Darjeeling today by myself, wanted some solitude up in the mountains, two hours on a window seat of a Tata Sumo from Siliguri, steep ride, Darjeeling, the king of Indian hill stations, quite crowded and touristy, lot of Bengali families, wanted to escape the crowd, do something cooler, feel the temptation to hit the 9 3/4th platform too much these days, so in the afternoon visited a couple of monasteries in Ghoom, eight kilometers from Darjeeling.

The first Ghoom monastery had a huge statue of the Buddha wearing a crown, it was all empty, I had the whole place to myself to meditate lol. Crazy shit happened at the second monastery which made me write this letter pretty much.  As I got out of the first monastery and was walking on the road, I heard chants coming from another monastery, it was near evening, walked into the monastery through a gate, beautiful statue of Buddha, this one without a crown, around thirty people of all ages in monk’s robes, red in colors, sitting with old manuscripts (later figured that’s a Lama script), some playing trumpets, some playing huge percussion instruments, mesmerizing, no one speaks English or Bengali or Hindi or Nepali, a world of its own just a flight of stairs down the main road, sat there for a long time meditating, contemplating, suddenly felt that instead of going solo in my own spiritual quest and telling myself that nothing matters to me I should care more about my parents, my grandparents, my uncles, my cousins, immerse myself in their world, their struggles, try to share their joys and sorrows. I am extremely lucky to receive so much love and there is no need to reject all that in search of some Zen solitude, made a promise to go back to the plains tomorrow and spend more time with them and buy them gifts before I leave for Calcutta in two days (return train already booked).

Turned around and saw that it had gotten dark outside, walked out, the chant was still going on, walked up the stairs towards the gate, a dog and a monk kid started following me, some other dog started barking nearby, realized the big main gate had been locked, they probably thought that there’s no more visitor inside and then realized someone from outside was still there and sent the kid with some keys to open the gate, the kid was struggling to find the right key, the dog came very close to me and started growling mildly, imagine me and a dog and a locked gate with nowhere to go and another dog barking in the background, the kid spoke no language I knew, a few minutes of crazy fear, finally opened the gate, got out, walked an hour in the dark on the mountain road with cars and toy trains and steep slopes without railings to get back to Darjeeling while thinking about the dog incident, no matter how beautiful the monastery was it was their world, an indian or a Bengali or a householder was an outsider there and I got into trouble intruding into their world.

Later went to Mal (Darjeeling’s town center) up the hill, sat in CCD smoking lounge, only place there with unobstructed view of the valley, finally a clear night sky full of stars, first time since Berkeley, the maximum number of stars I counted in India before tonight was around fifteen, that was in Jalpaiguri, spotted only one constellation in Siliguri and Jalpaiguri, in the east, three stars forming a vertical line and one star on each side of it together forming a rhombus, now spotted the same constellation among a million others in Darjeeling’s night sky.

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Started talking to this local guy called Yuvi at the lounge, smoking, drinking coffee,  the servers in CCD were his friends and they were bringing him local brandy in CCD’s coffee cups lol, had a long chat about friendships and relationships and the blurred lines in between, got back to the hotel after dinner, now sitting under a blanket and writing this.

Outdoor cafe at Mal (10 AM, 18th Dec, 2016)

A clear morning, a rare day with bright sunshine in the foggy days of winter,  sitting at a cafe and having coffee and looking down the valley, a couple of hours back I quit the comfort of the blanket and walked outside, very few people at Mal at that hour of the morning, almost no tourists, it’s the cold perhaps, tried to find an unobstructed view of the valley, walked along a road with tall conifers on both sides, came to some kinda observation point with benches painted green, looked up and was amazed by the sight of a gorgeous snow clad peak standing out in the distance with some green peaks of nearby mountains in the foreground, asked a local pointing at the peak, “Yeh Kanchenjungha hai?”, he replied, “Yes” 🙂 🙂 , sat there and meditated for a long time, then took a picture with my smartphone for the sake of this composition.

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The following thought has been coming to me for a while, now after staring at the Buddha last evening and the Kanchenjungha this morning it has taken a more concrete shape, I have definitely found calmness inside, every human being has an access to a void state inside and he is often scared to encounter it, Yuvi said last night that when he is alone he wants to commit suicide, I have become quite comfortable with the void state now but this is addictive, I definitely feel a lethargy to work (do science for example) and just want to sit and contemplate. It feels great but then there are some holes here and there through which the fear of death creeps in- the dog incident last night for example.

(Sounds of “Mehbooba, Mebooba” coming from somewhere down the valley, somebody paragliding up in the sky)

I think the whole idea of spirituality is that one should be led by it naturally without getting addicted to it, that’s where it differs from substances, every step on the path of spirituality should be reversible and that’s why if I lose the ability to pursue a career in science or live a householder’s life like my parents and relatives are doing then it’s not really the path of spirituality or more importantly the path of truth, abilities should be gained and not lost on the right path.

Church close to Mal (1 PM, 18th Dec 2016)

Sunday morning, service going on in Hindi and Nepali, someone playing the violin, someone playing the piano. A few thoughts about Darjeeling- absolutely amazing place, there is a tourist crowd but if you can bypass that, there are entry points into the 9 3/4 th platform on every roadside, ancient Hindu temples, Budhist monasteries, churches and government office buildings from the British era, music all over the place. After visiting the Buddhist monasteries yesterday and a Shiva temple on the top of the hill this morning and observing amazing similarities between their idols, images, decorations, scripts, I realized that Buddhism and Hinduism have kinda merged in the mountains, gotta study on this more once I get back to the plains.

I really don’t feel like leaving Darjeeling so soon, can be here for days by myself, can walk around here for hours and stare at the trees and the buildings and the valley but I made a promise to myself to get back to my relatives by today and spend more time with them before I leave North Bengal, so I gotta take the ride back to Siliguri now, hence goodbye mountains for now, will visit you again soon once I move to Delhi, little hill stations in Himachal Pradesh on weekends, and then Darjeeling again next summer!

(Endnote: Between the time this essay was written and it is being uploaded here, I was able to visit the Himalayas only one more time- 4 days in Shimla end of Jan, 2017. There will be another post on that. Darjeeling has been going through an indefinite shutdown, which has already lasted three months, rendering my chances of visiting the hill station again anytime soon extremely bleak.)

Essays/ Travelogues/ Poetry/ Ramblings · Philosophy

Chronicles of an ongoing battle between solipsism and empiricism

On one hand there is a real physical world out there with objects that we can see, hear, touch, perceive. Living entities are the most intriguing of them all- we can talk to them, we can listen to them, we can play with them, we can fight with them, we can build relationships with them.

On the other hand there is the mental world- the world of thoughts, emotions, ideas and dreams. Mathematics, philosophy, music, painting etc. are major manifestations of this mental world. They often give us a glimpse of the existence of an abstract world beyond the physical world we live in – the abstract world nearing to have a physical existence of its own, defying the word “abstract”.

We live in the physical world, with mountains, rivers, trees, animals, houses, roads, cars, schools, colleges, hospitals etc. but often we encounter bridges to the abstract world like the 9 3/4-th platform in Harry Potter’s stories. These bridges range from critically acclaimed works of art like Claude Monet’s paintings, John Keats’s poetry, Amir Khusrao’s and Sahir Ludhianvi’s lyrics and Plato’s dialogues to myriads of events we experience in pop culture- Sachin Tendulkar’s cover drives on TV, Ultimate Warrior’s crazy promos before Wrestlemania, Rick and Morty’s trippy episodes to name a few. In this blog I shall try to explore several of these bridges between the physical and the mental worlds in a methodical fashion . At the core of all my posts recurs a constant struggle between two conflicting ideas- the idea of realism/ empiricism/ materialism, i.e., this world exists as it is independent of us and we are perceiving it through our sensory organs and modifying it through our motor organs, and the idea of idealism/solipsism, i.e. there is nothing real in this world outside our mind, all our friends, family, jobs don’t really exist, they are just impressions in our mind and this world is nothing but a simulation. My posts however don’t resolve the age old debate among philosophers regarding these two contradictory epistemological positions. I don’t think anybody ever will be able to do so. My posts simply put this debate in the right context, and throw more light on it.

One more thing, I have used the existing terminology in academic “philosophy” very freely here and in my other posts partly due to my my academic background in science as opposed to philosophy and partly due to my little lack of reverence for existing academic “philosophy” to explore philosophical themes. Academic “philosophy” explores philosophical themes only through words, crafted in a meticulous fashion. But in my humble opinion, the same themes can be captured only if the words are backed by actions in day to day life giving the appropriate context to those words, e.g. how we talk to our colleagues, how we interact with our friends, how invested we are in our romances, are as important as scholarly articles in understanding philosophy.  As Kabir says,

“Labzo se hum khel rahe hai, maana haat na aaye,

Paani paani rat te rat te pyaasa hi raha jaaye

Shola shola rat te rat te lab par aanch na aaye

Ek chingari lab par rakh lo, lab turant jal jaaye”

(We are playing with words, but we don’t understand the meaning. We keep chanting “water” but we stay thirsty. We keep chanting “fire” but we don’t feel anything on our lips, but the moment we put a flame on our lips,  our lips burn).

Growing up in a society full of friends, family, classes, jobs, degrees and honors it is very hard to perceive the possibility of the existence of a world beyond the physical. But life experiences can be such (getting immersed in music or painting, a feeling of extreme pain or cornucopia of joy in love, an emptiness through isolation from society in a new country or job) that the existence of the abstract world not only becomes conceivable but can even take over the existence of the physical world in one’s consciousness. There are thoughts going on in our head and we translate only a few of the thoughts into action. In mathematical language, it is a many to one mapping from the mental world to the physical world. In extraordinary circumstances like solitude, it is often hard to distinguish the world of thoughts from the world of action because there are too many thoughts and too few actions. The lack of onlookers to verify the reality perceived through our senses adds to it. Our consciousness is largely collective after all, a lot of the common sense we use for our day to day actions is imbibed by us from society through collective wisdom. With lack of people, the collective wisdom may start fading.

And with it, often comes lurking forward the fear of death, an event probably absolute in an otherwise conflicting world of ideas and arguments and events where probably every argument can be countered by another argument. Though I shall attempt to make my posts in this blog be as drenched in bright sunshine as possible, somewhat like Ruskin Bond’s writing, I cannot guarantee that death won’t expose its dark face here and there in the posts.

Please check out the posts, thanks for visiting the site.